Sunday, October 25, 2009

30 and counting.....on God knows what.

Call it a good imagination.  Call it creative visualization.  Call it any ‘–ation’ you want, I have somehow backed myself into a corner here. 

I love a good gut instinct.  I love a sense of certainty.  Fate.  My God, if I had a dime for every silly poem I’d written between the ages of 15 and 17 about Fate, I would not have needed student loans.  I took 5 years of Latin.  The Three Fates were my favorite part of it all.

I have made big decisions based on the tugging of my gut.  I have suffered from going against her.  The times in my life when I’ve been most unhappy, I have known deep down inside that I was miserable because I wasn’t listening to what she was telling me. 

In the past, she led me to great things.  Love, success, opportunity.  However, as I’ve gotten older, and life has not presented me with all the things my gut said it would, I have begun to….supplement her whispers.  I have tried to take the reins myself. 

I have created a monster.

You name it; I can convince myself that I want it.  Not only do I want it, but I want it with the kind of bone-deep certainty that can only come from, you guessed it – Fate.  Long lost loves on foreign continents – go for it.  Move across the country, and back again – yes, brilliant idea.  Become a doctor, lawyer, Indian chief – it’s what was you were meant to do.  On an average morning’s commute, I am able to create the most perfect lives for myself.  I am so convincing that I can’t tell where reality ends and fantasy begins.  And when whatever I’ve convinced myself of doesn’t materialize it’s, ‘Oh, well. On to the next destiny, I’ve got plenty.’ 

Now, when I really need clarity based on fact and reason, there is no reason to speak of.  Who knows what I really want?  Who knows what’s right? 

I know what you'll say. You'll say, 'Don't be so hard on yourself.' ‘We’re all in the same boat.’ 'Go with the flow.'  'It’ll all work out in the end.’

Well friends, the one thing you can't say anymore is, 'Go with your gut.'  My gut has left the building. 


L. said...

This was an amazing post.

I nominated you for a blog award. Check it out :)

Suzanne said...

Sarah, thank you so much for posting put into words exactly what I (and I'm sure many people in our field) have been feeling as we say goodbye to our 20's. This blog is fantastic and I hope that it leads you to reconnect with your elusive gut.